RED MAN CHEWING TOBACCO - every boy has to try it

I suppose most, if not all, boys have to try tobacco once in their life.  My Poppie Jess Lane liked plug tobacco which was a rectangular shaped chunk of tobacco about 3 inches long by 2 inches wide and half an inch thick as I recall.  He would bite into it and yank his head to the side to tare off a piece then he would take his tongue and push it to the side between his teethe and cheek giving him a chipmunk look.  If you cannot picture that, think of yourself with a big old bump on the side of your mouth sticking out about an inch.  He would suck on that stuff and then spit into an old bucket he kept besides his favorite chair.  Pretty gross?  huh?  Anyway, then there was Uncle Don Lane who liked the pouch tobacco, Red Man, and he could put about half a pouch of tobacco in his cheek at all times.  In fact I would not be surprised if Uncle Don slept with tobacco in his jaw.  Uncle Don was a doctor for sure because once when Larry, my brother, got stung by a bee, Uncle Don immediately took the wad of wet sticky slim out of his mouth and put it on the bee sting which was behind the ear of Larry.  He said it would take away the swelling and pain.  Well of course it did because you would no longer be thinking about the sting but that slim behind your ear and how gross it was.  I should tell you that Uncle Bill Lane was more like Poppie Jess in that he liked the plug and later converted to Red Man. 

All of this reminds me of when I was selling bibles door to door for the summer after high school and for 3 summers.  I have to tell you that only the tough survive that job.  Well it was during the summer I was working in Kentucky and I was invited into this very nice house to share my book selling skills and I sat in this really nice rocker recliner.  These folks seemed like upper crust, if you know what I mean, and had a lot of money by my standards.  The lady was very well dressed and they seemed like sophisticated Methodist, which they were.  Well, they invited me to sit in that rocker recliner but just before I sat down I noticed a small empty green bean can filled with tobacco juice.  So, I asked the mister where he would like to put it and he yelled at his wife to come and get her can.  Yes, her can!  I was shocked but as I worked in Kentucky I gained wisdom that a lot of women used tobacco and in particular Garrett Sweet Snuff and a few, used Copenhagen or some other form of snuff.  Who knew?  Wow!

That reminds me of how I met my wife, Shouna.  When I was in college at Southwestern Oklahoma State University in Weatherford, Oklahoma I was watching all the girls at the student union and she was one of them.  Well I noticed that she was dipping snuff and it was dripping out of both sides of her mouth.  My mom always told me to find a level headed woman to marry, so I did, that day in 1973 around Thanksgiving time.  As I write this story May 23rd, 2019 I am thankful for having married that curly headed blond that was so level headed.  I feel blessed.  Ask her, she will tell you.

OK, back to the story.  Not sure if I ever got started but here goes.  In 1969 I was on the school bus coming home from a track meet in Newkirk, Oklahoma headed toward Shidler High School to get in my red Chevy (1963) and head home, one mile north of Grainola and 3 west past Vea Harris's house.  On that bus Hugh Allen Jones (1 of 5 sometimes 6) had a pack of RED Man Chewing Tobacco and he was sharing it.  I took a pinch (more like a handful) and placed it between my tongue and cheek and proceeded to enjoy the flavor, NOT!  I started getting dizzy and then I think I turned greener than the green giant.  No sooner than we got back to Shidler and I got off that bus I started throwing up chunks.  That was my first, middle and last time I ever tried snuff or chewing tobacco. 

So what do you learn in the Osage?

• If you have worms, try a little Red Man and whatever is inside you will come out
• If it stings and Uncle Don is around, run, the pain is better than the solution
• Don't try something new when you cannot get out of the bus
• level headed women are hard to find, unless you have a technique 

Thanks for listening,

gary

golson21@hotmail.com

How to eat a piece of Pie in one bite for $1

Only Harold Codding would do that.  We were at the annual 4-H livestock show in Pawhuska and Harold and I were showing cattle and judging livestock but we had to eat.  One of the great things about the livestock show was the cafeteria.  I don't know how they did it but they had great food and especially great pies (pronounced with a long I, Pi's).  By the way did you know that Pie are round and cornbread are square.  Not at all what your math and science teacher tell you.  They contend that PI is squared.  Obviously they did not know great cooks (I am guessing you get the humor in all this).
anyway, Harold and I went to eat at the cafeteria and he ordered a piece of apple pie.  Then he proceeded to eat it in one byte and I promise you they gave him a normal piece of pie which in those days was pretty good size.  Harold, commonly known as Chuckles because he would always chuckle when he thought something was funny, shared with me that his mother, Helen, and he had a bet on losing weight.  Harold never needed to lose weight as he had about zero fat.  Harold had muscles in his ears and teeth (maybe) and yes, he could wiggle his ears.  I am telling you his face muscles could flex.  I have never known anyone who had muscles literally everywhere popping out on his body.  Harold could walk on his hands all around the gym and he could do hand stands on a chair, ridiculous but true!

The bet was that if you had a desert, he or his mom, had to put a dollar in the jar and whoever won the desired weight contest got to keep all the money.  Knowing Harold I would not be surprised that he or his mother would donate the money to the Foraker United Methodist Church rather than keeping it for themselves.  Did I mention that before we even paid for our meal which was like a cafeteria where we were standing in line to pay, Harold ate the piece of pie!  Yep, one bite!  And you could bet your bottom dollar that he put it in the jar and was honest enough to tell his mother.  Harold was like the commercial, "Spic and Span" in everything.  Yes, I am embarrassing Harold, but he deserves it for being next to perfect, at least while in high school. I should also mention that if you would like to see the old church bell from the Foraker Church, it is in my yard.

Next time I will tell you how tight he was/is.  I will just say this, Harold lived one summer while selling books/Bibles door to door on $5 per week room and board!  Ya, that is rent and food.  I will also tell you how he did it.  This little old lady fell in love with how nice Chuckles was and she would let him live with her for the summer and prepare him breakfast and dinner for $5 per week.  Only Harold!

Well, what do you learn in the Osage?

• Harold is/was tighter than a popcorn fart - sorry for the color but that is a country saying for he could get a dollar out of a dime like no other
• nice guys really do come in first
• integrity starts at an early stage and the parents set the example

Thanks for listening,

gary 

golson21@hotmail.com

Go, Go, Go to Amazon and order my book and help support adults with special needs.  

"Home on the Range by Gary Olson"