Toilet lids and marriage

After all these years I get it!

When people get married there are several issues that have to be worked out:

• toilet lids - up or down
• toothpaste - rolled or squeezed
• toilet paper - rolls off the front or back

Now let's address all these issues one by one.  First the toilet lid, women seem to want it down and men want it up but the woman always wins so it goes down else you don't eat if you are one of those folks who eat healthy and eat at home where the woman typically does the cooking.  I know there are exceptions and everyone has an opinion but here goes the real decision.

From a man's perspective you put the lid up so nothing gets on the lid where you sit.  This seems to make common since but marital bliss is important and we put the lid down.  Now what brought this to a head is we got some new folks at the office and at the office the lid goes down even in the men's restroom, probably due to potty training at home.  Well evidently either one of the new folks is not married, newly married or of a persuasion where two men live in one house and thus a lack of training.  Someone PEEEEEEEed on the lid!!!!!!  That is precisely why the lid should go up.  Now for the good news, I finally figured out why the lid goes down and there is some logic which is not obvious.  I was talking to a pregnant woman and she was really angry at her husband who was not adequately trained UNTIL that night.  You see what happened was she got up during the night to tinkle (a nice word for take a leak) and the lid was up and she sat down, all the way down and into the water.  Her husband got trained on the spot and she yelled really loud.  Finally it makes since, PUT THE LID DOWN.

Toothpaste is the next problem.  You will notice that I am willing to address all kinds of marital issues straight up and that is because I have seen too many unhappy and divorced folks who made great couples until something stupid got between them.  Ok, back to toothpaste.  By the way did you know that toothpaste was invented in Arkansas?  It is obvious, if it were invented anywhere else it would have been called TEETHPASTE.

To squeeze or not to squeeze is the question.  Right here is the secret of life and what a person should do for a living and here are a few examples:

• You should be an accountant because Obviously accountants should roll up their toothpaste tube else they are not a good accountant as they are not particular enough (some folks call this anal).
• You are destined to be a lawyer if you loved to squeeze because you squeeze money out of folks for ridiculous reasons and I am prepared to give examples.  However there are exceptions, everyone knows that lawyers represent both sides and therefore go both ways.  Go figure and a double standard.
• Cowboys and farmers squeeze because they have things to do and can't waste time as they have to get their barns and tack in order.  Oh ya, and they have to clean their pickups.

Enough on toothpaste but I squeeze until I get to the end then I roll and fold to get the last little bit.  I guess I am a tight wad.

Toilet Paper and wives just have something in common and I am not sure if I really get it but here are the issues.  If you roll off the front it is easier to get access and you don't have to SPIN it to figure out where it starts thus saving paper.  If you roll off the back (wife prefers) they think it looks better.  But the real issue is CATS.  If you have cats in the house and you roll it off the front the cat will unroll the entire roll.  In fact kids do that to and then stop up the toilet which for some reason always goes to the dad to fix.  If you roll it off the back the cats and the kids don't waste as much paper and there are not as many stopped up toilets.  This is good for both husband and wife.

I should be a marriage counselor.

Well what do you learn in the Osage?

• do what your mother wants if you want to eat
• if you are married and still there, do what your wife wants and you can have dinner
• If you want a divorce - leave the lid down and PEE all over it

Thanks for your time,

gary@thepioneerman.com